A Guide on How to Survive The Killer Heat Wave

Note: This is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously in any way.

Photo by US Dept of Energy // Wikimedia Commons

Being located in a country straddling the Equator has its perks, the most interesting of which is the tropical heat. Beach, sun and surf!

Lately though, Malaysia has been buffeted by intense flaming heat in the mornings and afternoons. It’s like someone reset our climate and weather patterns to “nuclear firestorm”, instead of “equatorial monsoon”.

Never before has stepping out from the shade into the hot sun become as dangerous as it is now.

The dangers of super-hot weather are well-documented. Dehydration. Sunburn. Exhaustion. Skin cancer. Zombification*. Mental weariness. Brain damage. And eventually**, death.

As the problem of global warming continues to be exacerbated by constant pollution and development activities, it is only natural to assume that one day it will simply be too hot for humankind to survive in the daylight.

Thus, in doing its part for the greater good of humanity, The Awesomesauce Times brings you, completely free-of-charge, the first-ever Guide on How to Survive The Killer Heat Wave!

Remember, it’s not just about surviving the present, but preparing for the future.

–|–

STAGE ONE: APATHY

The state of the world:
This is the world as you and I know it. The heat level outdoors is uncomfortable, but still bearable. For the most part, life goes on as usual. The sun occasionally makes it into the entertainment section of your local newspaper.

What you need to do:
Begin by stockpiling the necessities that will help you survive in the days to come. A comprehensive – though in no way complete – list is presented below to help you do so:

  • Clean drinking water
  • Isotonic drinks
  • Umbrellas, hats and other sun-protective gear
  • Sun tan lotions, at least SPF90
  • Canned food and other non-perishable food items
  • Weapons, incl. firearms, knives and hammer-like implements
  • First-aid kits and general, all-purpose medicines.

Remember: your concern at this point should be for your own safety, not the rest of humanity. It bears saying that you are not their prophet of doom, and they won’t listen to you even if you were.

Get at most two or three family members or close friends to help you with your preparations. Any more will severely jeopardize your chances of survival later. Make sure they prepare their own stockpiles as well.

STAGE TWO: ALARM

The state of the world:
All over the world, scientists start crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason. Temperatures have risen to decidedly unfriendly levels. Day-to-day business is difficult, if not completely disrupted. The sun is now a feature of the lifestyle section of the news.

What you need to do:
As the world starts to fall apart, you must select a home where your group will choose to ride out the impending calamity. Avoid large luxurious mansions. Select small houses that are more easily defensible.

Once you have selected a house:

  • Move your stockpiles to that location and store them in a secure container, like a safe.
  • Board up all windows and skylights.
  • Identify all potential exits and reinforce the entryways to each one.
  • Assign guard duties on a shift basis.
  • Keep limber and stay active. Perform simple exercises indoors while not on guard duty.

At this juncture, it is extremely important for you to monitor your health and that of your teammates. Dehydration is your number one enemy for now, so try to keep cool but remember to do all things in moderation.

STAGE THREE: ANARCHY

The state of the world:
The United Nations declares a worldwide emergency; as usual, nobody listens. Scattered reports emerge of entire forests and farms spontaneously igniting. Widespread food shortages and exploding breast implants cause riots and chaos. The sun is now featured in articles on the cover of every major newspaper.

What you need to do:
Far more dangerous than a rampaging sun is the panic that now engulfs humanity. The realization that the world is ending means people will no longer be hesitant about hurting or killing others for their own gains.

You must not falter at this point! As much as your humanity compels you to extend a helping hand to other needy souls, you cannot do so when it will endanger the well-being of yourself and your team. At most, provide stragglers with only basic supplies/aid before sending them on their way.

Armed groups of bandits and vigilantes will no doubt appear to try to seize your supplies for themselves. This is where you must prevail. Plan your defense carefully. A concerted defense from a well-fortified shelter can deter even the most desperate, well-armed bandit.

If possible, shoot to kill. Law and order will have undoubtedly vanished in the wake of the oncoming disaster, and you need to ensure that any bandits do not escape when they could return later in greater force. They will show you no mercy, so show them none in return.

STAGE FOUR: APOCALYPSE

The state of the world:
Most life on the planet’s surface have died off; surviving plant life begins to adapt to the harsh environment. Melted icecaps mean that coastal cities are now underwater theme parks. Water is a scarce resource, fought over by man and beast. Organized religion gives way to cannibalistic cults that worship the sun as a vengeful god.

What you need to do:
By now, all semblance of civilization will have faded from the surface of the earth. Communities form around strong-willed leaders, many of whom will undoubtedly lead their flock into banditry or worse.

You need to begin adapting your biological clock to a nocturnal pattern of activity. Going out during the daylight at this stage may result in a painful, thirsty death, no matter how shaded you may be from the sunlight.

Hunt small animals for nourishment. Cleanliness is very important; be sure to gut and clean the animal thoroughly prior to consumption, and never consume raw meat.

Collect rainwater for drinking and cleaning purposes. Establish strict water rationing measures to ensure as little wastage as possible.

Eventually, with enough time and resolve, you will rediscover the strength of our primordial ancestors to survive the night environment. As supplies dwindle away to nothing and the luxuries of modern life become non-existent, you must resist the temptation to end it all prematurely.

For all you know, you and your merry band may be the sole hope of humanity in such a grim existence! Thus you must forge on ahead no matter how dire the situation may turn out to be, for the continuity of our species.

Remember! It all comes down to preparation – so stop lazing around and get cracking on those supplies!

–|–

Notes:

[*] Zombification is defined as ‘the process of turning into a zombie’. A zombie is defined as ‘a really lazy-ass person’.

[**] The death toll is, not surprisingly, much higher among people who stand out in the open to gawk at the sun as they wonder where all that heat comes from.

About Jared

I am all the awesomesauce you could ever want in a handsome, neat package, and you know it.
This entry was posted in Humour, Opinion. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to A Guide on How to Survive The Killer Heat Wave

  1. kei fai says:

    I WANT THE RIGHTS TO MAKE THAT STORY INTO A MOVIE!!!!

  2. calvynius says:

    LOL, I agree wit K5😄

  3. Pingback: Oldies but Goodies | The Awesomesauce Times

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